I am not a part of the system, I am the one in a constant struggle to rip the system from the foundations it has been placed upon. You may not like it. You may hate me for it, but it is that hatred that fuels me, and so I continue. You can kick, scream, and complain, but I will always be there on the outside of your reality ripping it to pieces, and you cannot stop me.




I hope you enjoy my blog. If you ever need anything e-mail me at chlo_nb@yahoo.com





---------------------------

MY INFO:

AIM:
chlonb

Favorite movie:
The Matrix


Book Reccomendations:

"The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown

"Can Man Live Without God" by Ravi Zacharias

"Living the Questions:Making Sense of the Mess and Mystery of Life" by Carolyn Arends


Favorite music groups:
Linkin Park
Third day
Thousand Foot Krutch
Kutless
Adema
Pillar


Political Affiliation: Democratic Socialist.





   


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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
I don't know what I'm doing

...there I've said it.

I hate saying it. It hate thinking it and I especially hate knowing it, but I have no clue of what I am doing next year.

I went to my audition. It went well. I guess. Rather, it went as well as can be expected for having a cold that was mainly affecting your throat when you had to sing and act. I'm supposed to find out around the 10th if I got in or not, but I don't know if I really want to go there. Something tells me already that I would not be happy there and I know it's not just about me being happy, but that has been the main source of my floating around to this point anyways.

Before leving for the audition I had to e-mail a few teachers about it all because I was going to be missing their classes for the audition. My choir teacher e-mailed me back and said he would really just like to sit down and tlak with me about everything, so I went and talked to him this morning. He is someone I definately respect. He's a teacher that has no fear in talking about his belief in God, but he doesn't get pushy about it. He's also the choir director at the church I have gone to recently.

Regardless, during our conversation I was realizing how silly all my jumping around was and how much I wasn't really thinking of much while I was doing it. I really like U of I, I'm just afraid of getting stuck in Idaho for the rest of my life without me making an actual decision that it is where I shoudl be. I don't ever want to feel stuck or trapped in any one location.

Regardless, I have no clue what I'm thinking or where I'm heading next year. I need to make a decision and I need to make it now or very VERY soon. I just don't know how to do it. I suppose I'll figgure it all out soon enough. Prayer and time...oh but the time is something I don't want to afford.

Posted at 11:01 am by BrandyLCargo
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Thursday, April 22, 2004
travel

I have to travel this weekend. In fact, I have to go all the way to San Francisco. The only problem is that I need to leave Idaho on Saturday. Unfortunately I also have performances all day Saturday. I aslo have to return Monday morning (very early) to make it to my classes I don't know if that is going to happen either...this all should be interesting...I don't even have a ticket yet...

I have an audition for a school that I'm looking at attending next year. It looks like a wonderful school and I have been trying to figgure out how to get to the audition for a while...being that I am a jobless college student...but I finally found one thanks to my grandparents! YAY...now I don't have to just hope that things work out for later on.

Now, unfortunately, I have to have a 500 word essay written by Saturday morning, a monologue prepared and a song ready to sing. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I suppose I've pulled off greatter things. Lets just hope it works this time.

Posted at 11:09 pm by BrandyLCargo
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music

I just got done listening to two concerts (one a piano, the other a flute) with a practice session in the middle followed by a two hour practice. I feel sooo exhausted but it's one of those incredible exhaustions that only comes from music.

I mostly ran through scales on my flute tonight, though I played some Mozart too (I'm working on two of his pieces right now) and a few etudes. It was so relaxing. I love it when you get done playing and your fingers are somewhat sore from practicing and you are sooo relaxed. It's a beautiful thing. As a matter of fact, it's the reason why I got involved in music in the first place. It's such a beautiful thing!

Posted at 11:04 pm by BrandyLCargo
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Saturday, April 17, 2004
stupidity and failure

I keep on making promises to myself and to God and I feel like I keep breaking them. I'm not sure why. Maybe I set the standard too high or maybe I'm just incredibly screwed up. Regardless I feel like crap.

I feel like I'm a failure at those sort of things. I made a promise to start living according to scripture, but I keep failing. I pray about it all the time but it seems like the second I dump myself back into the real world and let my gaurd down even a little, I fail. And maybe I shouldn't be letting my gaurd down at all, but if I don't, I'm on edge all the time, and I don't like being like that either.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm going against the bible by so many of the things I do. I hate the feeling that I'm letting Christ down, and I hate the feeling even more that I enjoy doing it. I always hate myself for all of the sins I commit afterwards (hindsight is 20/20), but while I'm doing them I'm fine with it and often have fun with it, but it's such a bad witness, and I'm not doing anything horrible, but I'm doing enough and I feel awful.

I posted Titus 2:7 on the back of my door as a reminder to myself. It says "Show yourself in all respects a model of good deeds, and in your teaching show integrity, gravity, (8)and sound speech that cannot be censured, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say of us."

Needless tosay, I seem to only remember it about half the time. It's so irritating!
Please pray for me. I need it!

Posted at 03:12 pm by BrandyLCargo
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Monday, April 12, 2004
stream of consciousness

I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me, so bear with me.


My little sister has gotten herself into quite a bit of trouble recently and just continues going. She put herself in a dangerous situation and then couldn't understand why my mom would be so upset about it all. As if that wasn't bad enough she has continued to say and do absolutely horrible things. I don't know I suppose we'll all figgure it out sooner or later but she really needs to get over some major issues.

On the up side, one of my very good guy friends in Atlanta was baptized this Sunday. It was very exciting to hear about. His family is Muslim and lives in New York, but he is at Emory in school and came into the campus ministry house that I used to hang out, helps and live at
 just to check it out and see what was going on. He stayed a few nights and asked quesitons until he had to leave to get work done and then accepted Christ a little while later. It was awesome to hear about this.

The church that I interned at last summer in Wendell, Idaho hosted their Easter service in their brand new sanctuary which is beautiful! I just saw a picture of it and thought it was incredible. I'm glad that the new building is finished it will give them more room to continue with God's work in the area. It's very exciting!

The
church I used to go to in Pennsylvania when I lived there is currently going through some major stuggles and is facing the horrible possibility that the church may soon have to close it's doors.

I am getting to go to a meeting tonight to help with the youth group at the churhc I am going to which is something that definately makes me happy. I love working with middle school and high school kids!

Posted at 04:55 pm by BrandyLCargo
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